That is, until something comes along that is so perfect that it practically writes itself. That happened today. I advise anyone reading this to swallow your coffee/milk/orange juice/beer, unless you want said beverage to shoot out your nose. Far be it from me to judge you if you do, but consider yourself warned.
Every week, all employees get a mini newsletter with pictures and links to recent news items in the company and from around campus. Today, one of those stories was an inadvertently (I assume) hilarious item about a recent "green" initiative around campus. This thing couldn't have been any funnier if it was in The Onion. The title was "Why does my fork smell?"
It was referring to the replacement of all plastic cutlery, plates, bowls, and cups around campus with compostable versions (this is what happens when your company hires a "chief environmental strategist"). You may be wondering how on earth they make a fork compostable. Well to answer that question and more, here are some choice excerpts from the article, written in a Q&A format (with commentary in italics).
How durable is this stuff?
It'll get you through a meal, but, by design, it's supposed to fall apart shortly after that. "The term is compostable," Visvikis said. "It is going to break down more quickly than anything else." Compostable plates can go in the microwave, but don't overdo it. "You can't re-nuke it three and four times, but for a single use, the products do hold up," Visvikis said. The cups are technically for a single use, but "you might be able to get more uses out of it." He said they will break down with extended use. Also, make sure you don't leave a cup full of coffee on your desk. If you do, you might find a mess when you get to work the next day.
That's okay! Who would have expected a coffee cup to be able to hold, uh, coffee, right? That's a tough order for any cup, especially one made from corn.
Why does my flatware smell like that?
[...]
Yet, some concerns linger as employees notice the subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) differences between the plastic and polystyrene forerunners and these new corn- and bamboo-based products.
Yes, people with sensitive noses have found the flatware has a certain smell to it. "We found out that those people with high sensory capabilities tend to notice that," Visvikis said. "Others don't pick it up at all."
"High sensory capabilities"? No comment necessary.
Thankfully, the smell goes away when the cutlery is exposed to air, he said. "We're using all-new product that's just out of the box, so it hasn't had that chance to lose some of that scent," he said.
Oh, you mean that smelly fork just needs some time to air out, then it won't smell anymore? Hooray! Just like my gym shorts!
The cutlery supplier believes the odor will go away soon and that they will be able to put an odorless, tasteless product on the market within 30 to 90 days.
Yay, finally a fork that odorless AND tasteless! What will they think of next? A coffee cup that doesn't disintegrate when you put coffee in it?
Why does my spoon droop in my soup?
Heat makes the flatware pliable, but that flexibility has no impact on your food, Visvikis said. He said efforts to make compostable flatware are in their infancy, and that he expects improvements to come soon that likely will make forks and spoons sturdier.
I'm sorry our spoon is too weak to hold your soup. Please wait for the soup to cool. Alternatively, you can wait for our new and improved compostable spoons! They hold soup 50% longer and don't even smell that bad! Just picture the Earth smiling while you hold your nose.
Why do I need sleeves for my coffee?
The cups don't have good insulation properties, so you could burn yourself. The goal is to better insulate the cups, Visvikis said. "The commitment that we have from our suppliers is continuous improvement," he said. "We will go back and continue to identify what we see are weaknesses in the product." He said there may be other compostable flatware that holds in the heat better that Microsoft could switch to.
If you get burned, just think of it as a red badge of courage in the war for mother earth!
What's next?
Microsoft is continuing to look at ways to expand its compostable tableware program, including using compostable straws. "There is a paper straw out there that would allow us to continue down the compostable road," Freeman said.
I can just imaging the next Q&A article:
Why does my straw collapse when I try to suck liquid through it?
These compostable straws are good for the earth and therefore are not as durable as normal, non-corn-based ones. Please bear with us while we improve the straws. Also, the straws are a mild diuretic, so don't wander too far from the bathroom! Just think of mother earth giving you a big warm hug!
After straws, the goal is to chase down a compostable coffee cup lid, he said.
Oh, awesome! So that means after my cup disintegrates leaving a coffee puddle on my desk, I won't be left with that unsightly lid covering it. It just sits there and doesn't even disintegrate! What's the point?
On the side of the article they had a picture of one of our ethnically diverse employees drinking out of one the new cups. The caption:
New cups, bowls, and flatware used on campus since July 1 are made out of corn and bamboo, which means they can be composted and turned into a soil amendment.
Great, because my soil could really use some amending...
Thankfully, the smell goes away when the cutlery is exposed to air, he said. "We're using all-new product that's just out of the box, so it hasn't had that chance to lose some of that scent," he said.
Oh, you mean that smelly fork just needs some time to air out, then it won't smell anymore? Hooray! Just like my gym shorts!
The cutlery supplier believes the odor will go away soon and that they will be able to put an odorless, tasteless product on the market within 30 to 90 days.
Yay, finally a fork that odorless AND tasteless! What will they think of next? A coffee cup that doesn't disintegrate when you put coffee in it?
Why does my spoon droop in my soup?
Heat makes the flatware pliable, but that flexibility has no impact on your food, Visvikis said. He said efforts to make compostable flatware are in their infancy, and that he expects improvements to come soon that likely will make forks and spoons sturdier.
I'm sorry our spoon is too weak to hold your soup. Please wait for the soup to cool. Alternatively, you can wait for our new and improved compostable spoons! They hold soup 50% longer and don't even smell that bad! Just picture the Earth smiling while you hold your nose.
Why do I need sleeves for my coffee?
The cups don't have good insulation properties, so you could burn yourself. The goal is to better insulate the cups, Visvikis said. "The commitment that we have from our suppliers is continuous improvement," he said. "We will go back and continue to identify what we see are weaknesses in the product." He said there may be other compostable flatware that holds in the heat better that Microsoft could switch to.
If you get burned, just think of it as a red badge of courage in the war for mother earth!
What's next?
Microsoft is continuing to look at ways to expand its compostable tableware program, including using compostable straws. "There is a paper straw out there that would allow us to continue down the compostable road," Freeman said.
I can just imaging the next Q&A article:
Why does my straw collapse when I try to suck liquid through it?
These compostable straws are good for the earth and therefore are not as durable as normal, non-corn-based ones. Please bear with us while we improve the straws. Also, the straws are a mild diuretic, so don't wander too far from the bathroom! Just think of mother earth giving you a big warm hug!
After straws, the goal is to chase down a compostable coffee cup lid, he said.
Oh, awesome! So that means after my cup disintegrates leaving a coffee puddle on my desk, I won't be left with that unsightly lid covering it. It just sits there and doesn't even disintegrate! What's the point?
On the side of the article they had a picture of one of our ethnically diverse employees drinking out of one the new cups. The caption:
New cups, bowls, and flatware used on campus since July 1 are made out of corn and bamboo, which means they can be composted and turned into a soil amendment.
Great, because my soil could really use some amending...
Some things are just too absurd to make up.
Ari
